The things that happened changed me but I try not to make them who I am. I'm not very good with emotions. I don't pass them out like flyers. I save them for paper. I often get accused of being cold, distant, and not where people need me. It's not that I don't care it's more that I don't know how to show people that I care. I have all these wonderful things that I want to say to people daily. All these ways that I want to communicate but I'm afraid that they may take it wrong and I'll be put in an awkward situation. I'm afraid to hand myself to them to drop and break.
     I call my emotional ineptness, "my crazy". I work on my crazy little by little. I will not force myself past what I can take, if I feel myself breaking I stop. I will not break me to fix me. It took years for me to learn where the breaking point was and how to love my flaws. I spent so many years crying because I wasn't normal that I don't cry at all anymore. I think I overdrafted the tear bank. Adolescence was miserable. I would smile all day in school and everyone loved me. If there was a party I was invited. If there was anything that had to do with happiness they wanted me in on it. They had no idea I went home every afternoon and cried myself to sleep. My smile was my armor. If no one knew I hurt then no one would hurt me more. If they didn't think I was different they wouldn't leave me by myself to tear my head apart.
     Now that I'm older I see the flaw in wanting to be something other than who you are. I see the suicide in it. Denying yourself love will kill you faster than anything else Earth has to offer. I do know that my thought processes aren't healthy but instead of beating myself mentally I find ways to adjust the process. I learned that when I figuratively fall on my face it's easier to laugh and look back to see why I fell than to cry and call myself stupid for not seeing the obstacle.
     I will not be my murderer. I make small goals and I praise myself for the progress. I embrace the fact that I'm clumsy, goofy, and have a strange way of viewing situations. I don't know all of the symptons of abuse but I made myself aware of the ones that I have. With the knowledge of the behavior, I can identify it and try to work through it. Right now I'm working on allowing people to touch me. I don't mean sexually I mean in general. I can't describe in words how I feel when a random person walks up and puts their hand on my shoulder. I always thought I could describe everything in words. Maybe I can but it's a breaking point and I've conditioned myself to stop. Either way I hate it, not like it's irritating but like I want to punch them in the throat hate it. Some people I even dislike on sight. Usually men just because I feel like they violate me with their eyes. The worst is the touch though. My mother was never affectionate. She said "I love you" only when I was going away for a long period of time or when she had made me feel like I wasn't worth pushing out. So hugs and kisses are kind of foreign to me. I make myself give and receive them. I'm teaching myself that I share space with people who lived different lives and they shouldn't be punished for what someone else did. I teach myself. That's all I can do