I've got too much in my head again so I'll leave it here. One of my therapist told me that at the age of 3 your brain is starting to form concepts that decide how you will think for the rest of your life. She said since I was "traumatized" we needed to reprogram my brain. Why do people always find so many words to mask the truth? Raped is a better word. Molested sounds mild. It's true though. I don't think right. I don't think anyone will ever be patient enough to truly love me. I don't think I will ever truly trust a man and as long as my son is so small that he can't take care of himself I will not sleep. I try. He slept in his bed for two weeks and I would wake up having an anxiety attack. My dreams would be so real. Someone would be in our house and I couldn't get to him. When I woke up I would go and get him from his bed and lock us in my room, as always. I don't want to be any of this. I just don't know how to not be. I always quit therapy because I can't look at another person and talk about it. Writing is different. I assume no one really reads this so it's kind of safe. I still can't say everything.
     It shouldn't be called post traumatic stress syndrome. It should be called Self Destruction of the Brain. It's like you try so hard to do the right things, to change yourself, and your brain refuses and reminds you why it's doing the things it does. It's somewhat cannibalistic. Eating at yourself and not knowing how to stop. I wish I could just wake up and decide not to think these things or worry about night. Even if I consciously make the decision, my subconscious has a back up plan. It flips out and the anxiety attacks start. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I'm too old to be fixed just like I was too young to be broken.